Tea Instead

sipping serious joy

I thought I might 
go to church
this morning,
but on a day deemed
an obligation,
my heart inclined more 
towards celebration, 
and the pure elation 
of Her Gracious Presence.

Longing to sit quietly 
in the luminescence of 
the Wisdom and Beauty
of Her Love,
I inquired earnestly 
if I should go.

She smiled wryly,
and nodded, “no”.

And so I lingered 
a while in the warmth 
of my bed, 
then rose to 
put the kettle on, 
and we had tea instead. 

Today, along with being New Year’s Day, is, in the Roman Catholic tradition, the “Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God”.
 I am admittedly what would technically be considered a “lapsed Catholic”, but anyone who knows me, knows that the love of Mother Mary forged in my Catholic-schooled childhood, has never left me. Quite the contrary, it has been kindled throughout my life, regardless of my spiritual meanderings. She seems happy to meander with me, as a good mother tends to be when walking with her curious little ones. 
Part of me would love the sense of security that might come with following the rules and rubrics of the faith tradition I inherited from my earthly mother. Another part of me regularly smiles wryly and nods, “no”. The tug of war between those parts can be exhausting. Words like “obligation” are particularly difficult for someone who suffers from scrupulosity and religious trauma. 
It was helpful for me to hear the word, “Solemnity”, defined as “serious joy”. That definition helped me sort out the way in which I needed to attend to this day. Seriousness becomes something different when it’s inextricably joined with joy. If joy is lacking in our faith, whatever the tradition, then we are easily pulled into a self-serious fog. Fear, obligation, and guilt. The joy I speak of here is not a fluffy, spun sugar sort of thing, but an awareness and connection with a deep, abiding brightness that is ever present within and all around us; able to burn away the fog. Profoundly hard to find at times, She is worth squinting and looking for with great determination, in all circumstances. 
Wishing you and those you love a seriously joyful New Year! 
~Cheryl Anne