Rebuilding From Ruins

Old stones. New stones. Brigid's Hearth at Oak Abbey will feature gleanings from a 30 year archive, weekly new writings; with additional posts on the first day of each month and special occasions.

“Let us begin again, for until now we have done nothing.”

~ St. Francis of Assisi

Francis and I have been friends for a half century now, and it seems we have quite a few things in common; including the tendency to be exceedingly hard on ourselves. This quote from the end of his earthly life reflects this clearly. Surely Francis and his followers had done considerably more than nothing. As have I, and yet it’s easy for me to look back and see my creative life as amounting to nothing, except perhaps a graveyard of untended blogs and some random publications scattered amongst the ruins of my good intentions.

What’s different this time?

Though I have lived with multiple complex health issues since childhood, the last few years have been increasingly challenging in every imaginable way. Chronic illness, pain, overworking, and lack of physical and mental energy are not good partners in the creative life. The thought of anything beyond mere day to day survival seems downright audacious, if not impossible. It’s all too easy to put things off or talk myself out of things entirely. I have spent a great deal of time in recent years in a state of self imposed isolation. It’s felt somehow necessary, but very lonely.

I guess I needed a loud, clear invitation to show up in my own life once again. This arrived recently in the form of a cancer diagnosis; at the same age that my mother left this world due to cancer related surgical complications. This has rattled me to the core, and has helped me to see myself, my life, and my writing in a different light. Instant perspective; just add cancer and stir! When I received the diagnosis, I was overcome with emotion. That’s not surprising, but when I settled down and was able to name the intense wave which had come over me, I was indeed surprised. Gratitude. Surely fear would be first to arrive, but no. I was suddenly able to easily find and feel every ounce of love that had ever moved toward me. Love I doubted, love I diminished, love I dismissed, love I deflected. It all welled up within and washed over me. So many beloved beautiful faces were suddenly floating and flashing before me. The people I have the privilege of loving, and the people who love me. My mind and heart were flooded with them, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude. The fear came knocking soon enough. I have had to repeatedly chant a litany of all the differences between the circumstances surrounding my mother’s situation more than two decades ago, and my current situation.

With surgery and more information about my condition and treatment imminent, I am obviously hoping for the best outcome and a lot more time with the people I love here in this wildly enchanting, perplexing realm. I am also thinking about what I wish to leave here when I do eventually join my Beloved Invisible Friends and Family in the Otherworld. Upon taking inventory, the things I seem to have the most of are love and words. I won’t unpack the reasons here, but though I have loved to write since early childhood, it has been hard for me to place any sort of real value on my writing. That inner critic makes an awful lot of noise in the attic! It’s true that I am not a technically adept writer. I just sort of love-dump words out of my soul, and sometimes they seem to move other people in some way, which makes me really happy!

Why now; what and how?

This time of health crisis and upheaval in my life has ushered in the desire to reconnect with part of myself that got lost along the way, and to rebuild Oak Abbey; the name of my original online writing space which I abandoned more than a decade ago during an especially tumultuous season of life. With fragments of writings from my archives and the crafting of new pieces, this new iteration is being made possible (and stronger!) with the encouragement and support of my son, Jon-Kyle Mohr. He is providing me with the tools, support, creative input and emphatic nudges I have needed to open this new abbey door, which was too heavy for me to handle on my own. I am excited about this opportunity to collaborate with JK, and deeply grateful for his generous gifts of love, time and talent! He suggested this subscription based platform for my writing as a means of creative therapy; with the potential for readers to offer a bit of financial support as I navigate this challenging time; made even more stressful by loss of income due to illness/surgery and recovery/treatment.

I also give thanks for the constant inspiration, moral support and caring, through thick and thin, of Jameson and Caroline. Being mom to the three of you is the part of life I have loved the most; and you being my kids is the greatest gift I will ever receive. I love you all with all my heart and soul! Love and gratitude to all my Dearest Family, Friends and Mentors as well. I am blessed that there are too many of you living in my heart for me to count and name! You absolutely know who you are, and I am continually inspired by, and probably only even marginally sane because of you! I want to name you all so baaaaaaaad, but I will keep that beautiful litany in my heart! You all stir up the love in my heart that makes me write and sing, laugh and smile, and cry big, happy, grateful tears. Thank you! Thank you!

With deep gratitude I also welcome new visitors and friends. I’m so glad you are here! I hope the poems and prayers, little heart-songs and love-rants that are shared here will bring you comfort, hope, and peace. I will seek to post something from my archives every Tuesday, and something fresh and new every Saturday. Old stones and new stones to build the Abbey! I will also share something on the first of each month, and on occasions that are meaningful to me.

For more information, please feel free to visit the about page.

Deep Peace and Gentlest Blessings,

Cheryl Anne

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