Ever So

finding love where it's always been

Love lives
most immediately 
in acceptance.

When judgments 
are quieted,
Love is there. 

Present as breath,
steady as heartbeat;
a calmness, a comfort. 

A sheath of certainty
to hold the questions 
and stabilize the turbulence.
 
Remember to love yourself,
and you will know
it was, in reality, ever so. 

 I have become bored and disenchanted with my own story, and with other stories I have believed throughout my life. It's been a slow, gradual unraveling; decades long. But like the last bit of a toilet paper roll, the closer it gets to the end, the faster it unravels; which can make the thought of how to handle sh*t without it pretty scary. 
Though I have looked into alternative stories to try on, the idea of replacing one with another feels desperate and disingenuous, so I have decided instead to learn how to love the blank page instead of judging the stories previously written. It's amazing how quiet things get when the harsh voice of judgment is switched off. 
On my birthday at the end of May, I began a daily practice of writing a "tiny poem" first thing each morning as my sole intentional spiritual practice. With a lifetime of hyperreligiosity and hypergraphia behind me, this has been good medicine. 
The above words form one of these tiny poems, through which The Sacred seems to have agreed to meet me; as and where I am presently capable of showing up. Not to be overly dramatic about my ongoing personal dark night of the soul, nor to make light of  long term personal struggles, spiritual and otherwise; but the joke is not lost on me that it seems the only time I feel any semblance of divine presence anymore is when I relinquish all narratives and judgments pertaining to myself and my life experiences. The blank page being the only holy writ that speaks to me. When I allow myself to relax into a space of genuine self-acceptance, and say, "yep; and still I love you", that's the only place this side of a hot fudge sundae I am able to access a proper hit of holy dopamine. 
As I sit here typing this, I am home from work, nursing a bout of walking pneumonia. Though I suppose technically, in the moment, it is sitting criss-cross applesauce pneumonia! I did take my pneumonia for a short, slow walk this morning as the sun was rising, which is when I snapped the accompanying photo. 
How dearly I love saying good morning to the morning! 
Thank you for joining me on this little thought-amble and word-ramble. 
Sending love, smiles, and dollops of holy dopamine,
~Cheryl Anne