devoutly doubting

unless a seed falls

It seems
the only way
I can know
Who You Are
is to let go of
all that I suspect
You Are Not;
even though
I have been told
there is only
one way of
Knowing You.

But everything
within me
rails against
the limiting of
Your Love,
and the men who
lock the doors
and chain souls
and decide
who’s in
and who’s out.

And so more and more,
I devoutly doubt;
eschewing the safety
of certainty~
setting both You
and myself free.

My pastor, Danny Bryant, has written a powerful book which has been released today. From the first time I heard Fr. Danny speak in 2017, he has profoundly moved, comforted, encouraged, and challenged me; heart, mind, and soul. Due to my experiences of spiritual abuse and religious trauma in various Christian settings and encounters, and the depth of my distrust of the institutions and systems as they have developed, it’s been a slow, spiral process of moving back into community since that first visit to St. Mary’s. Fr. Danny’s personal experiences of trauma and church fuel his voice, both spoken and written, with a depth of honesty and integrity that have made me feel seen, heard and accompanied in my own pain and struggle.

As it happened, I was asked to proofread Unless A Seed Falls To The Ground as I was recovering from cancer related surgery. The book puts forth cancer as a metaphor for particular insidious problems that have sickened the church. As I was reading, I was able to acutely understand that mechanism. I experienced solidarity with my own experiences of abuse and trauma, and I was confronted by its systemic manifestations, and a sharper awareness of my complicity. Not only have I been hurt by people who identify as Christian, but there was a time, as an impressionable much younger woman, temporarily intoxicated with certainty, that I absolutely trespassed (entered the property of someone else’s soul without their permission) and caused harm.

Since on Tuesdays I post something from my archives, I decided to browse for a piece to accompany my announcing Fr. Danny’s book. Something that evokes in me the feeling I had while reading the book. When I first posted this poem on a social media platform in 2020, there was a comment from a friend (who subsequently disappeared from my “friends” list) that simply read, “no”. Just reading about someone else’s eschewing of certainty can be that threatening to some folks.

I hope you will read Unless A Seed Falls To The Ground, by D.T. Bryant. It’s an important message for the moment at hand; for those who identify as Christian, and those who are curious.

https://www.spaciouslistening.com/unless-a-seed-falls-to-the-ground